Winter Break

Winter Break has officially started and I have a semester's worth of credit from Vanderbilt University. 1 down and 5 more to go or 1 year and 7 months left. It's amazing in some ways how fast this semester passed, especially since at some times I thought it would never end. I spent from this past Friday night to Wednesday morning studying for final exams. I had one on Monday, one on Tuesday, and a final one on Wednesday. I've been so mentally tired that I've been doing some crazy things like trying to step into my shirt when getting ready for bed the other night believing they were shorts, opening my car window when meaning to put my turn signal on, and a few other things that were truly humorous. I don't know all of my final grades yet, but I'm okay with them. I didn't make all A's, but I did my best, so it's okay. I learned a lot of things that I can do different/better for next semester.

Next semester starts on January 7th and we take off running from day 1. The spring semester is only 14 weeks long, but we have 15 weeks of clinical to squeeze in, so the first 4 weeks we are doing 5 weeks worth of work. Crazy times!! So, I'm already looking forward to February. Truthfully though, I am enjoying the challenge of school. I find that getting up early, in my scrubs, with my stethoscope toggled around my neck, making my 2.5 block trek to the hospital amid the other nurses and health professionals makes me feel strong and important, useful. I am enjoying learning and growing. I constantly have to fight with myself to believe that I can do this and that I am capable and that I've made the right choice.

I suppose I feel a little embarrassed at times for going back to school. People will laugh and say I'm a life long student or joke that I need to make up my mind. Younger classmates think it's funny that I already have a Master's degree and yet here I am (although, most of the older students (27+) have Master's degrees). I guess I've always desired to have direction in my life, to present myself as a professional, determined individual, to live as someone who knows where they're going. I've always wanted to be that person that people want to emulate. I feel that my "wishy-washyness" in regard to my "career" degrades my credibility and takes away from those characteristics I desire and pursue to present. I suppose my decision to go back to school causes me to question my loyalty to my new found profession.

On the other hand I'm very proud of myself and in someways feel that for the first time in my life (in regard to "career") I am finally following my heart and pursing my goals. I've always, since as far back as I can remember, had a fear of failure. When I was in elementary school I wouldn't read books because I was afraid I couldn't finish them - I eventually conquered this fear. But sometimes facing the fear is more rewarding that not failing.

Tomorrow I'm taking my niece to the movies. I have no homework to worry with. For now, I am blessed.