Be careful what you wish for…

I couldn’t work at one point because my hands were covered in blood. But wasn’t that what I had asked for, what I had wanted.

I wanted a good bloody night, a code, septic shock, something. I wanted to do all the things I do one last time. And that is exactly where I found myself. I intubated, placed an arterial line, placed a central line. I was in that pt’s room for hours, hovering over that body, doing bloody things, giving a lot of orders.

I’m going to miss this. I love this.

It’s extreme stress. To have a life under your direction. Complete responsibility.

It‘s addicting. The adrenaline rush. It’s also exhausting.

My back hurts. I didn’t set the bed at the right height.

I told the family I had little to no hope and most likely they were going to die. Hours later they did. We did everything we could. I did everything I could.

I had wanted so many more experiences like this. There weren’t as many as I had wanted, as I had hoped. But there were enough. They will stay with me forever. This has been an interesting time in my life, an extreme time, a surreal time.

I have a few nights left. As much as I’m ready for them to be over, I’m not.

Be careful what you wish for…