For many various reasons, 2009 was the hardest and
probably the worst year of my life. I was lost and depressed and a variety of
events left me feeling deeply alone and confused about life and love and
purpose and happiness. I did not know who I was, where I was supposed to be, or
what life was supposed to look like.
As that year progressed into the fall, my depression grew
worse. I found myself isolated. I lost a significant amount of weight. I cried
all the time. I had no energy.
The funny thing about that year, though, it that as
profoundly as I was hurting, no one knew. No one had any idea how deeply I was
suffering.
I look at this most brilliant picture of me. I look so
healthy and happy and filled with joy. But this picture was right in the middle
of that time.
 |
| 2009 |
And no one knew.
No one knew.
As time passed, and 2010 rolled around, I eventually found
solace in a few people, in moving across the country, starting some much
over-due counseling, and in getting my most steadfast balm, Ruthie.
There have been many things in 2019 that have caused me
to ponder and reflect on that time ten years ago.
The difference, though, between 2009 and 2019, is that
people know.
Redemption is a beautiful thing. It is the ability to save,
to regain, to take back.
In 2009, I did not have the strength, the vulnerability, the
faith, or the wherewithal to redeem my life back from the darkness that stole
it from me. Fear of judgment and overwhelming shame left me crying on the
floor, alone.
In 2019, I have a beautiful community who act as my
strength. They have helped me redeem my life with love and courage and
understanding and patience.
My dear young self, know that a time will come when
darkness will steal life from you. Know that the redeeming love of God will
provide a community of people to encourage and love you back to life.
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