Growing up I expected a lot of things.
I expected to get married.
I expected to have children.
I expected to stay at home.
I expected to live close to my sisters.
I expected for us to share daily life.
I expected for our kids to play and grow together.
When none of these things happened, I was confused and disappointed. I felt like a failure. I felt like I did not do the things I was expected to do. I wondered what purpose my life had.
Growing up I often thought about a lot of things.
I thought about having my own dogs.
I thought about having an extraordinary job.
I thought about having my own house.
I thought about reading the daily paper and working out.
I thought about having kids and about the kind of mom I wanted to be.
I thought about flying airplanes and riding horses.
Most of the things I thought about have happened. Most of the things I thought about I have done.
Expectations are not dreams, but I believed those expectations were my dreams. I felt and often still feel like a failure because I did not achieve those things and done the things I expected I would do.
Sometimes, when you place a significant amount of value on expectations, you do not have the ability to appreciate things outside of the expectations. Sadly, I never took the time to consider alternative outcomes. Therefore, I never gave any value to the alternatives. So, I feel confused, disappointed, and like a failure when the sole expectations I had for myself did not manifest.
Letting go of expectations can be hard. A part of me will always grieve not having kids and being the kind of mom I wanted to be. A bigger part of me greatly values being an aunt and not being bogged down by expectations of the kind of aunt I wanted to be.
What I know now, though, is that expectations are not dreams. What I know now, is that all those thoughts were my dreams. Most of my dreams have become my reality. Most of my dreams have come true.
The task now at hand, is to give value to my dreams. Hopefully, giving value to my dreams will eventually nullify my feelings of failure. Hopefully, giving value to my dreams will give me permission to have even more dreams.
1 comment:
Accepting ourselves as we are with all our faults and deficiencies is part of maturing into an adult. I was never and will never be as big as my brothers. I will never accomplish many things, but I am happy with what I have accomplished within all my limits.
I was never "normal," whatever that is. I eventually found out there is no "normal." We all have our eccentricities and weird ways. This doesn't make us failures; it makes us humans. I visit lots of churches, that are filled with people who think or do strange things. There are accomplished people and there are needy people. There are smart ones and not so smart ones. They are all made in the image of God and find their greatest happiness in loving and serving Him. Though I have many demands, I find my strength in producing something for God. It excites me and fills me with energy and pleasure to serve the Lord.
We have different abilities, but every service and ministry matters. In this we can find the purpose and significance of life, devoid of shame and feeling we don't fit.
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