Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #7 Being Compassionate Does Not Mean You Have Self-Compassion

#7. Being Compassionate Does Not Mean You Have Self-Compassion

Henri Nouwen, one of your future favorite authors, said this about compassion:

“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.”

Compassion, I have come to learn, is a most beautiful response we can have to pain and suffering. Compassion is the act of bringing a balm to comfort the pain. That balm can take many forms: a listening ear, a comforting touch, words of peace, a prayer, food.

We feel called to be compassionate to those around us who are hurting. We seek ways to ease their pain, to lift their suffering, to help carry their burdens. In truth, we find that being compassionate gives us a great deal of joy. The act of compassion becomes an encouragement not only to the one we showed compassion, but also to ourselves for providing it.

Compassion is a beautiful gift we give to those around us. Most often, it is an easy gift to give and we find joy in the giving.

But being compassionate to others does not so easily translate to self-compassion.

Within you lies an inner critic that criticizes you for mistakes, for being stupid, for not doing better, for saying the wrong thing, for doing the wrong thing, for not paying attention, for trusting someone that hurt you, for being hurt again, for not saving enough money, for eating too much, for forgetting things, for procrastinating, for for for for for…

Being compassionate to others is a gift that God gave you. I am so thankful for this. But having self-compassion was not part of that gift. Learning to love yourself and be compassionate to yourself is a learned skill. It requires intentional metacognition. It requires time. It requires patience.

With effort and intention, you are becoming more self-compassionate and less self-critical. You are learning to give yourself the balm that you have so quickly and easily given to others. You will get there, but when you have listened to the inner critic for a long time, it takes time and effort to silence their voice.