Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #19 Wanting to Give Up

#19. Wanting to Give Up

I remember the patient who shot themselves through the mouth. Their frontal lobe would never recover. The ICU joked that you should always shoot back and not up. We laughed. It was not funny. They did not die.

I remember the patient who laid in bed for weeks at a time. They had slash marks up and down both arms from trying to kill themselves. Ultimately, they over dosed on calcium channel blockers. In the end, they did not die.

I remember the patient who intentionally overdosed on insulin. The family found them before they died. They laid in the hospital for a long while. Their brain was ruined. They did not die.

I remember the patient who hung themselves in such a way for all to see. The police found them before they died. They laid in the ICU for quite some time. They did die.

I remember the many many patients who attempt to overdose on Tylenol. They go into horrific liver failure. Some of them die. Some of them do not die.

Most recently I had a patient who overdosed on antidepressants. The patient is on the ventilator. The family is so distraught. They will not die.

There are too many others to recant.

Life is hard. You will see hard things. You will live through hard things.

You will learn what works and what does not work.

You will wonder if we ever actually help any of them.

You will think about their families.

You will wonder how things got so bad.

You will wonder why they’re wanting to give up.

You will think about wanting to give up.

You will wonder how things got so bad.

You will think about your family.

You will wonder if anything actually helps.

My dear young self, these dark days will come. We will fight them. Fighting will look like surrender. Surrender will look like asking for help. Help will look like the beautiful support system you have surrounded your self with.

Help will also look like appointments and counselors and social workers and therapists and medicine and time and classes and groups and healing.

And in the end, we will be thankful.