Thursday, October 23, 2008

Second Year

Second year started with me sitting in a large auditorium for orientation. As I sat there I couldn't believe that I was where I was and that that day had finally come. All of my life I have been anticipating and seeking a challenge. Desperately wanting to be put to the test so that I can have the opportunity to prove myself, to prove me to myself. As I sat there in that auditorium that challenge I have always desired was staring me in the face. It was a very surreal feeling.

In the eight weeks that have passed since that orientation day, I have encountered and met my challenge on nearly an hourly basis. It has been hard. I have sat in countless lectures and thought many times that I can't do this. Most days I have left class and questioned if I really have it in me. I've studies these past eight weeks as I have never studied before. I've found that no matter how hard I study there is still so much I don't even begin to comprehend. And as much as I study my test grades usually fall just below my goal. This has been incredibly disheartening at times. Studying so hard and yet feeling as though I still didn't do enough, that I didn't quite make it. The concepts are daunting and yet when I look back to the first weeks of lecture I feel as though I understand them and have integrated them into my knowledge base.

This week marked the middle of the semester. I left school last Friday and thought to myself, for the first time, maybe I can do this. Then I laughed at myself. Tara, I said, you are doing it.

The weeks and months to come continue to promise of the challenge I have so desperately desired. The opportunities, adventures, and events of the near future are daunting and yet so exciting. I'm living the dream I've dreamed a thousand times, but have always been to afraid to embrace. In the past fear of failure and fear of living has stopped me short, shot me in another direction, or humbled me to nonexistence. Today I am acknowledging, accepting, and embarking.

It is hard, horribly hard. I can't wait for August the 2nd - I think about it every day. But I know when August the 2nd does arrive a part of me will mourn the end of this unparalleled experience.