Today is my 30th birthday. I'm excited to begin a "new" stage in my life. So many changes are occurring and new opportunities presenting. It is fun to experience change - sometimes. I'm doing my best to take it all in stride.
So this is how I entered my 30's: I woke up early (4:30) this morning and was awake for quite awhile. I finally went back to sleep and then had some crazy dreams that I won't elaborate on. I then started hearing voices in my dreams but was awake enough to say to myself, "Great, I'm having auditory hallucinations". So I think I'm going crazy. I eventually wake up and get up to shower, Chara and I decided to have breakfast for our birthday. When I went into the shower I tossed a dirty towel onto the bathroom floor, now I'm becoming a slob. After my shower when I'm blow drying my hair I see the towel out of the corner of my eye and I thought it was a snake and that it was moving. My heart was pounding. I started to stomp on it (I had cowboy boots on) and then realized that it was the towel. Now I know I'm going crazy, I'm not only having auditory hallucinations but visual hallucinations as well. Then Chara comes over and we go to breakfast. I normally eat fairly healthy, but today I had french toast with cream cheese, runny eggs, sausage links and bacon. I might as well stop up my heart if I'm going crazy.
So I want a puppy. I've always wanted a puppy. It has never been the right time. I lived in an apartment and my landlord wouldn't allow it. I was a dietetic intern and would be gone alot. I was in my parent's house and I didn't want it to be their responsibility. I was in school and really did not have the time or money.
But now? I really still want a puppy. Haydn even said I should get one. She wants me to name it Polly (but that probably won't happen).
So here are the reasons why I shouldn't get a puppy. I'll be gone a lot working 12 hour shifts and it is not right to expect a puppy to be by itself for that long. When I am home in between those 12 hour shifts I will be sleeping and I really should be playing with my puppy during that time. I don't know how to house train a dog and I don't want my new condo to smell like urine, I'll smell that enough at work. After awhile the dog my get on my nerves and maybe I will resent her for taking all of my time. Getting a dog is a 10+ year commitment and I don't know my future well enough to commit to that.
So that is why I'm not going to get a puppy, even though I really really want one.
This is Oklahoma University Medical Center - my new place of employment.
I had to go in yesterday to the employee health clinic for a new employee evaluation. They needed my immunization records, took some blood, and gave me a TB test. I will go back on Wednesday to have my TB test read, get a flu shot, and then to go get my badge and fill out some paperwork. So after nearly a month of waiting, tomorrow I will become "official".
I started this blog when I went back to school as a way to document my journey. I titled the blog "Crossing the Bridge" because I was going through the bridge program at Vanderbilt. But now I find that I have crossed that bridge and that that journey is over. I had meant to blog more, to tell more stories, but my hectic schedule and occasional personal indifference prohibited me from doing so. I suppose I'm still on a journey to be an acute care nurse practitioner though, as I'm not one yet and I won't be working in that capacity as a few of my peers are. In some ways I view this next 1-2 years as a nurse as me furthering my education prior to becoming employed as an ACNP.
So I'm still on a journey and even after I'm employed as an ACNP I'll still be on a journey. Life itself is a journey and throughout life there are multiple bridges to cross and forks to chose and other travelers to meet.
So here I am. Tomorrow will make 7 weeks since I graduated. So much has happened in those 7 weeks, yet very little has occurred.
I moved to Oklahoma, a place I always thought was home, but I realize now it's not. Moving (this time) taught me that my home is in Franklin, TN. From this point on when people ask me where I am from I will proudly and honestly tell them that I am from Franklin, TN.
I got a new job. I haven't started yet, but on Sept. 28, I will begin working as an ICU nurse at OU medical center in Oklahoma City. I have to work nights, I don't know how I'm going to do this, but it will be okay. I feel like this job was destined for me. I wanted to stay in Nashville, for months I applied and applied and applied - nothing. No one was hiring. Even if they were hiring it was for floor positions and I would have to work for at least 6 mo before they would let me move to the ICU. I didn't even apply for this job. I had applied for some other job at OU months ago and never even heard from them. Then while at another job interview (at a stupid hospital in Texas I didn't want to work at anyway) OU called me for an interview. They had 32 applicants for 4 positions, so why were they even looking at my resume when I didn't apply for the job? Before the interview was even over they offered me the job. I told them I would think about it - think about what, take the job!! I wasn't at that moment ready to move, I wasn't ready to leave Nashville, to leave Vanderbilt, to leave Concord Rd. But driving 12 hours the next day by myself I thought a lot about a lot and so I called them and made a verbal commitment to accept the job. What else was I going to do? I can always move back to Nashville. It's a great job though and I am excited about it.
I'm buying a condo. Why? 1. Because Oklahoma is cheap. It is cheaper to buy a condo (and make an investment) than to rent an apartment. I'm getting this condo for 1/2 the price I would in Nashville - crazy!! 2. Because I have a huge need to feel settled. I need to place some roots (even if they are temporary). When I move into my condo, it will be the 3rd time I have moved in 10 months. That is too much. I need some consistency, continuity, assurance, reliability, dependability, stability. It all happened really fast. I moved to OK on a Tuesday and called a realtor, looked at the place I wanted on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, and it was accepted on Friday. I will post pictures, but not today.
I'm trying to find a church. It's so extremely hard to find a church as a single person. I don't fit anywhere. People don't always know what to do with me. I just hope I can find what I need and where I can be used the most. I miss Concord Rd. I suppose that is really where my home is.
Like I said so much has happened so fast. I really don't believe all of it sometimes. There are times when I wake up and I'm not sure where I am or how I got here or what I'm doing. I've spent a lot of time doing nothing, not that I don't have things I need to do: write thank you notes, get a new car tag, get an OK RN license, study for my upcoming ACNP test, etc. I just don't have very much motivation to do anything lately. So, I've watched a lot of tv, played a lot on facebook, and slept a lot. I think when I start working I will feel real again, I hope so anyway.
I suppose I still feel really lost. I don't know what to do with myself a lot of the time. I'm questioning who I am and what I want. I miss being in school - I knew that I would. There is so much security in having tasks, expectations, and appointments. I appreciate structure so much. I miss my peers. We weren't super tight, but when you see people every day for two years and then you just don't, well it's just kind of funny.
Then there is Haydn. I don't love Haydn more than any of my other nieces and nephew (I wish there was a unisex plural word for this like cousins or siblings). I love them all equally, just differently. But Haydn is my little friend, we're "best buddies"as she says. I hurt her in leaving and I hate that. I just miss her. It has been good to be around Jonah though, to build my relationship with him.
Life is just hard. I feel these last two years have been so up and down. So many extreme changes. I often look back to September of 2006 as such an extreme high point in life, when I was on top of the world, and wish life would be like that again. But it won't and if I were to go back I would lose all that I have gained since then.
One week from today I will be 30. I wonder how that happened. I still feel like such a little kid. But I appreciate my 30 years. I appreciate all that I have gained and lost. I appreciate all the amazing opportunities I have had. I appreciate all the family and friends I have known and loved.