Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #40 What I Know to be True

#40. What I Know to Be True

Life is hard.

It has not turned out as I had expected.

Sometimes, I am angry that things have not been different, been better, been more fulfilling.

I do not understand so many many things.

I have been hurt.

I have hurt.

But.

But life is also beautiful.

Some things have been better than I could have ever expected.

I am still learning to work through my anger and disappointment and find fulfillment.

I do not have to understand everything.

I am healing.

I apologize.

What I know to be true is that I am deeply loved.

I have real relationships with real people who love me, I have a job that I love and that I am really good at, I have two amazing dogs, I have good relationships with my 12 nieces and nephew, my parents love me, my sisters love me, and I have a good church family.

I am steadfastly loved by God and have been redeemed by Him. His graces is renewed for me every single day.

My dear dear dear young self, life looks different than we expected, but it is good and you are loved. You are growing and learning and thriving. Life is hard, but it is so beautiful. People are so beautiful. You have good people, good community, and a good good life.

As you arrive today at your 40^th year of life, dwell in these truths and always always always be thankful.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #39

#39. . . . 

There were so many things I wanted to write about. Things about relationship and moving and people and pain and healing and death and dying and love and joy and grace and peace and home and friends and self care and honor and wisdom and strength.

So many topics I did not get to. So many things I did not say.

Yet, as I sit here, attempting to write the next to last post and fumbling through the title I had already decided on, I feel that I really have nothing in me to say tonight. The previously assigned topic is lost on a paper full of words that sound empty and trite.

I had an appointment earlier today and then I came home. I had intended to do a lot of things but ended up not doing much of anything. I talked with some friends, watched too much tv, watched my pups play, and made some dinner.

I recently worked quite a bit, so I needed a day of rest. But the day is drawing to a close and I feel tired. I do not feel rested. I think the exhaustion of working nights is catching up to me, it so often does.

My parents sent me flowers a week or so ago. They are beautiful. But they are also dying. Some have wilted and are downcast, others are still strong and tall. I suppose life is like this vase, full of health and death and beauty and wilt and strength and downcast.

Earlier I wrote about hope. Now that feels so foreign to me. Which, in truth, is why I have sat with the concept so much this year. Trying to make hope feel real, feel true, feel hopeful.

My dear young self, there are some days when you find that you do not have much left. You will fill empty and tired and done. Listen to yourself. Rest when you find that you are telling yourself to do so.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #38 Hope

#38. Hope

Therefore, I will hope in Him.

Hope. In. Him.

Hope.

This is the last idea noted in the Lamentations statement.

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

So, what is hope?

I have spent a lot of time this past year really sitting in the idea of hope. Dwelling in the concept and trying to really understand what it truly is.

Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Hope is having confidence in God.

I suppose, then, my question is hope or confidence in God for what? Hope for peace, for comfort, for resolution of struggles, for forgiveness, for love, for grace?

I think there was a part of me that envisioned hope as a wish. Wishing that life would be perfect and without pain or confusion or disappointment. Maybe I thought if I put my hope in God, then these things would come to pass.

But wishes are often associated with that which is impossible or applied to things that have already happened.

So, what is hope?

Hope is having confidence in the future. Hope is having confidence in the long term. It is changing your perspective from the short term, from the here and now, to the long term, the future. Not just believing, but knowing that God will be there.

Hope is confidence in His steadfast love, His grace, His faithfulness.

Having confidence in Him, having hope in Him, is knowing that there will be peace. Knowing there will be peace in the long term, in the future, helps me to have peace in the short term, in the now.

My dear young self, know that it will all work out in the end.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #37 Steadfast Love

#37. Steadfast Love

To lament is to grieve, to be filled with sorrow.

So, to title a book “Lamentations”, one would not think it had a great deal of encouragement to provide.

Lamentations is a small book found in the old testament with five chapters, that are actually five poems. Each poem is grievous and filled with pain and suffering and questions and frustration.

This book of 5 poems focuses on a people who are in Babylonian bondage after consistently disobeying God and not honoring their covenant with Him.

But, right in the middle of this small book, a remarkable set of verses can be found. A lonely man, who is speaking on suffering and grief, on behalf of the Israelites actually finds hope in the suffering. He identifies the suffering as a form of Gods justice for not obeying. But he feels that if God can be be committed to justice for the committed evil, that he can be also be committed to his covenant promise of love.

And so, out of that observation, the lonely man makes this beautiful statement:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

                      Lamentations 3:22-24

I have thought about and meditated on these words.

I have thought about how the words are found in the middle of this book. This book that is full of grief and pain and suffering, of laments. And yet, right in the middle, this ever present balm is found. I have often likened it to the eye of a hurricane, peace amid the storm.

So I think on these words and meditate on the words.

The words have become my anthem.

steadfast \STED-fast\ adjective. 1 a : firmly fixed in place : immovable. b : not subject to change. 

His steadfast love is firmly fixed in place, it never ceases, it cannot end. No matter what I do, His mercy and grace and steadfast love is there and is renewed every day.

He is so faithful to me, so steadfastly faithful.

Therefore, because of Him, I can have hope.

My dear young self, life may feel like a lament. There may be pain and confusion and suffering and shame and grief, but He is ever present and steadfast. His love for you will never cease, no matter what.

Know with all of you that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, therefore, have hope in Him. 

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #36 Forgotten Memories

#36. Forgotten Memories

The night was crazy.

Codes. Blood. Drugs. Compressions. Blood. Crash Carts. Maxed vasopressors.

If felt like it would never stop.

The whole thing was sad. It was a situation where we knew we would work all night and the patient would still die. We did. They did.

It was a lot of work.

As the events went on throughout the night, more and more family arrived. They stood and watched. They cried. They held each other.

One of them pulled me aside. I did not know her.

You were with us the night my father died, she said. You were wonderful, she said. She hugged me. She held my hand. She wanted me to really hear her and absorb what she said.

I did not remember her. I did not remember her father. I did not know how long ago that had been. I did not remember his diagnosis or the reason he came to the hospital or the reason he died. I did not remember.

She rejoined the family of the dying patient. I did not see her again.

In time I will forget this crazy night.

In time it will be a forgotten memory.

My dear young self, we have chosen to live a life of service and to work in a service profession. It is beautiful work that we are honored to do. But it is hard work. There are hard shifts. There are crazy shifts.

In the beginning, you will remember every thing and every patient. You will remember all the smells and sights and sounds.

But in time, you will forget. It will all become forgotten memories. The faces will fade, the stories will fade, the scenarios will fade.

A part of you will grieve the loss.

But, in truth, it is the loss that helps you to continue to do what you do. You were never meant to carry all of the faces with you. Holding on to them will prevent you from being able to receive new ones. The forgotten memories are a gift.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #35 Life Choices

#35. Life Choices

It is not uncommon that I am asked if I am going to go to Medical school or if I am disappointed that I am not a doctor.

When I was younger I knew that I could do anything. I was always encouraged by my parents and teachers and friends. I knew that I could grow up to be anything.

But I did not know any doctors.

And I did not think I was smart for a very long time. I am not a good test taker and I often struggled in school, so this had to mean I was not smart.

I thought about medical school briefly in college. But I thought people like me did not go on to be doctors. People like me; people not as smart, not as rich, not as privileged.

I had a few friends in college who were going to medical school. I was excited for them.

I knew I wanted to be something medical, but I really did not know what.

I did not want to be a nurse. I had this idea in my head that you wore a white dress and a little hat and walked around doing menial tasks. I did not want that.

I thought about being a physical therapist. That would compliment things I liked and would be interesting. But I knew some people who were physical therapists and they all told me not to do it. I never really understood why.

I did not even know what an occupational therapist or a speech therapist or a paramedic or pharmacist even did. So, in my ignorance, they were not options.

I learned what a dietitian was. That sounded somewhat interesting. So, I decided that would be it. I worked and finished 7 years of college (4 undergrad, 2 graduate, and 1 year of an internship) to become a registered dietitian.

When I finally started working as a registered dietitian, I was proud of where I was and what I was doing. I was working in long term care and I loved it. I loved my patients and coworkers and enjoyed what I did.

I worked with a nurse practitioner. I really did not understand what she did or what being a nurse practitioner meant. I asked and the more she explained, the more I realized that was what I wanted to do. The more I understood her role and her job, the more my heart sank.

So, in time, I got my things in order and went back to school to become a Nurse Practitioner.

I enjoyed being a dietitian and it is a noble and good profession. But it did not compliment what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be more involved in patient care.

I always felt, deep down, that I was called to do more.

School was good. It was the hardest, most intense, two years of my life. I hated it and loved it and was so happy when it was over. And so sad as well. It had given me the opportunity to prove so much to myself. It had given me the opportunity to be challenged and work and be pushed. I grew. I thrived.

Being involved in health care, I have learned a great deal these last ten years. I have worked with many medical students and residents and have had the opportunity to train and educate them as well. I realize now that I am and was smart enough to have gone to medical school and I could have been a doctor.

But I am not a doctor.

I will never be a doctor.

I went the long way around to do what I do. I got other degrees and did other things and in the end figured out what I wanted. It could have taken less time and been a shorter more efficient trip had I known a lot of things in the beginning.

If I had known then what I know now, would I have made different life choices?

It is a hard question to answer and one that I do not know for certain. But probably. I probably would have done a lot of things different if I had known then what I know now.

But not knowing then what I do now, I made the best choices that I knew how to make at the time.

Life choices are just a part of life. You do the best you can with what you know when you know it.

Do I regret not being a doctor? Sometimes.

Could I have been a doctor? Yes.

Am I proud of who I am and what I do? Yes.

Am I doing my best at what I am doing? Yes.

I am good with where I am, I am proud of who I am, and  I know that I am doing what I was meant to do.

Even if I took the long way around.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #34 Intention

#34. Intention

I walked in to work tonight and found myself thinking about how I really wanted to get serious about working out again.

A few moments later, I found myself in the physicians lounge eating some cocoa puffs.

As I left the lounge and walked on to the ICU, I realized this juxtaposition and laughed at myself.

Sometimes life is like that, we have good intentions about what we want to do or who we want to be or where we want to go, only to find ourselves doing the exact opposite of that which we intended.

I remember one of the first times I read the passage in Romans 7, I felt like my thoughts were on the page.

"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what  I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want o do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it."

Often we are not who we want to be or do what we want to do.

We have good intentions, but we are human. 

My dear young self, there have been many times in life in which you have beaten yourself up for not being better or stronger or smarter. You have lost sleep and worried and struggled with your imperfections and berated your failed intentions. 

But, find peace in knowing you are human. You are not alone in your imperfection and failed intentions.

Forgive yourself, give grace, appreciate the intent, and try again tomorrow. 

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #33 Learning to Be Still

#33. Learning to Be Still

We read in the Psalms to "Be still". Other versions read to "Cease Striving".

I did not really understand what that meant for a long time.

I had always presumed it meant to physically be still and not move, to rest.

When I first got Ruthie in 2010, I was living in North Carolina and working my first Nurse Practitioner job. At that time, I worked 24 hour shifts and was often tired on my days off. Ruth was still very much a puppy and had a lot of energy. She needed a lot of attention.

In time, we made it our daily habit to go to the dog park.

We went every day that I was not working. It did not matter if it was raining or snowing or excessively hot. We went every day.

She would run and wrestle and dig holes.

I would go and sit and watch her play.

And sometimes she would just sit with me.

I learned to hear the birds and feel the breeze.

I learned to be still.

My dear young self, being still does mean to be physically still, but even more than that, it means to be mentally still. It is the act of letting go of worries and stressors and exhaustions and fears and depression and anger and confusion and disappointments. It is the act of submitting your whole self to God and resting in His presence.

Another version of the Psalm reads: "Surrender your anxiety! Be silent and stop your striving and you will see that I am God."

I spent literally hundreds of hours between 2010 and 2011 at that dog park with Ruth. I sat there. I learned to be still. I learned to see God.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #32 Be Kind

#32. Be Kind

I went to a benefit dinner a few years ago and the speaker talked about regret.

He had interviewed a man who was dying and asked what his biggest regret was. He did not talk about missed items on his bucket list or unacomplished goals.

He really only regretted one thing.

He regretted moments in his life when he could have shown kindness and did not. He regretted moments in which he could have chosen to be better, but did not.

I have sat with this idea ever since that night.

When could I have shown greater kindness? Why did I not? Did I regret not doing so?

Growing up, I was jealous of an individual. I was angry about this and often treated them rudely and unkind. I was often ugly and unfair to them. I laughed when I should not have. I was often not kind.

I wonder how this impacted their life. I wonder how it affected them. I wonder how it changed them.

I am deeply sorry for this.

I regret it. Deeply.

Kindness is not difficult.

The only difficulty is ourselves. We get in our own way and prevent our own self from doing the right thing. We prevent our own kindness.

My dear young self, seek opportunities to be kind. Seek opportunities to be better, to do better. And when you are not kind, and you do not do the right thing, for whatever reason, apologize, ask for forgiveness. When we are old we will regret being unkind long ago, lets not regret being unkind in going forward. Lets be better.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #31 Student Loans are a Scam

#31. Student Loans are a Scam

I always knew I would go to college.

I felt like it was expected, but it was also something I wanted.

The funny thing, though, is that I really had no idea what I wanted to do or study or major in.

I took the ASVAB and other aptitude tests. I asked friends, sought mentors and guidance, but I was never really sure what I wanted to do with my life. Nothing brought any real direction and my compass had no north.

In truth, I had no real business being in college when I did not have an end goal. I should have gone to a community college, taken some credits, worked and saved money.

The problem with student loans is that they enable you to spend money without purpose.

I worked hard, showed up to class, made good grades. But when you are working without goal, you are spinning wheels that are not moving forward.

Later in life, I finally knew what I wanted to do, but it was after 8 years of college and a masters degree. How much money was spent before I knew what I needed to know, only to accumulate more debt in order to do what I wanted to do.

Now, 10 years after graduating with my second degree, I am in profound student loan debt that will never go away.

Despite paying over $1000/mo for the past 10 years, I am now in more debt than I was when I started.

Did I seek counsel and get advice before acquiring the debt? Yes. But the counsel was that it would be easy to pay off with the money I would make.

My dear young self, I am sorry that I did not know better before. I am sorry that you will be saddled with crippling loans. I am sorry that you did not understand the game of education.

I appreciate how hard you will work. Know that it was not for naught.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #30 I Am a Bad Ass

#30. I Am a Bad Ass

You will grow up to be a bad ass.

And I am so proud of who you are.

That is all.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #29. Redemption

#29. Redemption

For many various reasons, 2009 was the hardest and probably the worst year of my life. I was lost and depressed and a variety of events left me feeling deeply alone and confused about life and love and purpose and happiness. I did not know who I was, where I was supposed to be, or what life was supposed to look like.

As that year progressed into the fall, my depression grew worse. I found myself isolated. I lost a significant amount of weight. I cried all the time. I had no energy.

The funny thing about that year, though, it that as profoundly as I was hurting, no one knew. No one had any idea how deeply I was suffering.

I look at this most brilliant picture of me. I look so healthy and happy and filled with joy. But this picture was right in the middle of that time.

2009

And no one knew.

No one knew.

As time passed, and 2010 rolled around, I eventually found solace in a few people, in moving across the country, starting some much over-due counseling, and in getting my most steadfast balm, Ruthie.

There have been many things in 2019 that have caused me to ponder and reflect on that time ten years ago.

The difference, though, between 2009 and 2019, is that people know.

Redemption is a beautiful thing. It is the ability to save, to regain, to take back.

In 2009, I did not have the strength, the vulnerability, the faith, or the wherewithal to redeem my life back from the darkness that stole it from me. Fear of judgment and overwhelming shame left me crying on the floor, alone.

In 2019, I have a beautiful community who act as my strength. They have helped me redeem my life with love and courage and understanding and patience.

My dear young self, know that a time will come when darkness will steal life from you. Know that the redeeming love of God will provide a community of people to encourage and love you back to life.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #28 Maintaining Boundaries

#28. Maintaining Boundaries

I played basketball in high school. I loved it. I was not so good in games, but I loved practice and working out. I loved being part of a team.

Knowing the plays and the rules were vital. If you did not understand the rules, you could not play the game.

One of the main regulations of the game is staying in bounds.

This meant that you had to know where the boundaries were at all times. You had to play inside the boundaries. You had to live inside the boundaries.

Within the game of basketball, boundaries are easy to maintain.

Within life, not as easy.

I have not always set boundaries. I have not felt the need to set them.

But there are times that life will call for boundaries to be placed. Places and people and situations that you will need to have boundaries placed about them.

Not having navigated some aspects of life with boundaries means that I did not necessarily learn to stay in bounds. So, when new boundaries are placed it can be painful and devastating.

Not being able to relate as you had before can be confusing and hard, but mostly it just hurts.

My dear young self, some things in life will be harder than you ever knew. Working to be better and stronger will require boundaries that you never anticipated. You will hurt. It will be painful. You will desire to step over and across the line in an effort to retrieve a balm for the overwhelming pain you feel, but doing so will exacerbate the original insult and things will become harder than they were before.

Life is hard. Boundaries hurt. Maintaining boundaries is not easy. But you have to learn to live inside the boundaries. Hopefully, with time, you will.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #27 You Do Not Have to Go to a Christian University to be a Good Christian

#27. You Do Not Have to Go to a Christian University to be a Good Christian

Growing up I always knew that I would attend a Christian University. I was not sure as to which one for some time, but I knew that it would be one associated with churches of Christ.

Nearly everyone in my family, who had gone to college, had gone to a Christian University.

They recruited us at church and we would go to summer camps and weekend events and buy their t-shirts and pennants and other assorted paraphernalia.

When most people asked where I was going to college, I assumed they were actually asking which one of the Christian schools I was going to.

I really never even considered going to a state school or a community college to get my credits.

Going to a Christian school meant making lifelong friends who were just like me, it meant finding my mate, it meant going to heaven.

Only, it did not mean those things. I did make some really good friends. But I did not find my mate. Having gone there is not going to get me to heaven.

Going to a Christian school meant daily chapel and devotionals and Bible classes and curfew and room checks and same gender dorms.

I am thankful for the Biblical influence and the Bible classes and daily chapel, but it did not mean a better education or as many educational opportunities.

Going there meant private tuition cost, it meant higher student loans, it meant more debt.

My dear young self, you have the ability to be a light where ever you go, to grow in whatever environment you are in, and to be a Christian in whatever place you find yourself. You have always had that ability.

In retrospect, I wish we had understood that before and made different decisions, cheaper decisions.

The purpose of college is to have strong educational opportunities to prepare you for life. I am sorry we did not understand that more effectively before.

Going to a Christian university is not bad, I just do not think it was the best decision for you. 

You do not have to go to a Christian university to be a good Christian. You do not have to go anywhere to be a good Christian.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #26 Genderization

#26. Genderization

In the early 1900s baby boys were put in pink and baby girls were put in blue.

A 1918 article from Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department store read: "The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl."

Somewhere in time, that changed.

In the early to mid 1900s authors began to use testicles as a metaphor for courage.

“She needs to grow a pair!” or “He needs to find his balls!” are statements now commonly heard in reference to courage. Somehow, testicles became equated with courage. Does that mean that only men can be courageous?

There are significant differences between men and women. Differences that are not only found in anatomy but in other things.

But, it is hard to know sometimes when something is truly masculine or truly feminine when so much of gender identity is defined by culture.

Some other gender characteristics I have identified throughout life have had to do with food and colors and forks and clothes and items our culture has deemed masculine or feminine.

Often I would hear comments such as, “that’s women’s food”, “I don’t eat off of pink plates”, or “that stuff is for girls”. These comments made me feel that “women’s items” were bad, less than. It was as though the mere use of these items had the power to de-masculanize the user.

The idea of items being bad because of their associated gender, was just another instance in which I felt less than for being female.

The concept that a thing had the power to de-masculanize was confusing to me.

The truth though, my dear young self, is that all of that is lies. You cannot genderize colors or courage or food or inanimate objects. Just because our culture and environment deems something to be more masculine or more feminine does not make it so.

Knowing this leads to even greater confusion. Because if gender is not found necessarily in cultural norms or environment, then where is it found? What does it really mean to be masculine? What does it really mean to be feminine?

These are questions worth contemplating. But what I want you to know is that you are deeply loved as a woman of God, in whatever way you have learned to express your femininity. I also want you to know that while some people may feel threatened by inanimate objects and colors and clothes you do not have to fear, for God sees you by your heart and not by objects that surround you.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #25 Being a Woman

#25. Being a Woman

Growing up, I believed that I possessed less value because I was a woman.

I felt less desired by God, less capable, less able, less worthy.

Not being able to possess any type of leadership role in church, despite being a very gifted leader, for simply being female, made me feel oppressed, less than, insignificant.

Perceiving that my value could only be found in being a wife and a mother made me feel dependent on a man and on actions to be worthy. Not achieving those things has left me to feel like a failure.

A confusion has dwelt within me as to why I am not as equally valued for simply being that which I am.

While there are many beautiful and, honestly, sacred truths about being female, my tendency has, unfortunately, been to focus on those things that have made me feel oppressed and less valued.

I am not ashamed of being female. I am just ashamed of being less worthy.

This past year, I have spent some time studying patriarchy and egalitarianism and tradition. This personal study has helped me to view some things differently, to change my perception and have some paradigm shifts.

My dear young self, so much of the perceptions that have shaped your view of yourself in the lens of your gender have come from a patriarchal tradition. While there is some value to be found in patriarchy, I believe in egalitarianism.

In time, you will come to see some things differently and realize that the tradition of patriarchy  that you have primarily been surrounded in, has gifted you the confusion, the loss of value, the idea that you are less able or less worthy.

This was never intended by God.

You are worthy and strong and courageous and equal and valued. You are so valued.

These are new concepts that we are still evolving to appreciate. Be patient.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #24 Finding Your Own Truth is not Always an Easy Journey

#24. Finding Your Own Truth Is Not Always an Easy Journey.

Growing up as an ISTJ on the MBTI, I have always appreciated facts. I love bullet points and snippets of information. I hold to them and am guided by them.

Life truths have been no different.

As a child when I learned a truth, I held to it. It was black and white and I had no conception of grey. It was or it was not.

With time, as I have grown older and learned that there is in fact much grey, many truths that I have held to have been challenged.

Growing up, I believed that drinking alcohol in any way was wrong, it was a sin. So, I committed to never drinking, to always abstaining. But with life and time, I have learned different. It is not a sin to drink alcohol, it is a sin to get drunk. Those are very different truths.

Growing up, I believed that it was wrong to raise hands in worship. I should not do that. But with life and time, I have learned different. It is not wrong to raise hands, in fact, it is affirmed in scripture. Those are very different truths.

Growing up, I believed that everything we believed was truth. I believed everything we did was truth. I assumed our truth was always God’s truth. But with life and time, I have learned different. My goal in defining truth is always and will always be, what does the Bible say, what does the Bible mean. What is God’s truth? Assuming that my preconceived idea of truth was always God’s truth can actually be very different from Gods truth.

My dear young self, challenging our preconceived truths and working to find our own truths that align with God has not always and will not always be an easy journey. The desire to hold to our tradition and the fear of being wrong is paralyzing. But the desire to know God, to truly know God, and to know his truth is a worthy journey.

The journey to finding His truths may lead us many different places and we may travel some different roads than we ever foresaw, but working to learn and know God, is working to know better so we can do better so we can be better.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #23 Having a Strong Self Confidence is Not the Same Thing as Having a Strong Self Worth

#23. Having a Strong Self Confidence is Not the Same Thing as Having a Strong Self Worth

I am confident.

I am good at my job. I have strong critical thinking skills. I am smart. People like me. I make good decisions. I am an excellent public speaker. I am a good dog mom. I am funny. I manage my time well. I have good people skills. I am organized.

There are a lot of good things about me. I have a strong self confidence, but knowing I am good at things does not necessarily equate to believing that I am good, to believing that I have worth.

I know a lot of things intellectually, but knowing with your head is not the same as believing with your heart. The head and the heart reside within the same body, but they do not share equal qualities or characteristics. Knowing and believing are not the same.

Self worth is believing you have worth, believing you have value, believing that you are more than what you do and achieve.

We tend to focus so much on trying to achieve and do and work that we think our worth and our value are found in those things. The problem with that, is that if you take those things away, then you are not left with any innate worth or value.

But we are worth so much more than what we do. We are valued just for being, for simply just existing.

I believe we mistake self confidence for self worth. Being confident and knowing that I am good at a lot of things does not mean that I believe that I have value.

Developing a strong self confidence can develop out of the legalistic mindset of doing for the sake of doing and for the sake of honor and respect. In those instances, the value of doing has no end goal and reaps little to no worth. It is an empty accumulation of tally marks that result in minimal value.

Changing that mindset from one of legalism to one of discipline, doing to honor God instead of to be honored by God, will change the way we view our self.   

Being devoted to God will bring about self worth and value. In knowing Him,  you will believe that He loves you and cares for you and that you are beloved. There is no greater worth than to be loved by our Father.

My dear young self, you have worked so hard. You have gone to school and achieved and accomplished so much in an effort to prove your worth. In doing so, you developed a strong self confidence, but the way you went about so much of it was with the wrong mindset. Unfortunately, as you worked so hard to achieve so much, your motivation was primarily rooted in legalism. Therefore, when you reached the top of so many different ladders you were unsure of the value you possessed.

In time, you will learn to refocus. In truth, we are still learning to refocus. But, I implore you to be patient with your self, to not give up.

Learning to live a life of discipleship will bring you the self worth and self value that you desire. So much of that, if not all of that, will lie within your relationship with God. Working to serve Him will bring you the self confidence it always has, but working to serve Him will also bring you the self worth you have always desired.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #22 Most People Mean Well, They Just Do Not Always Know How to do Well

#22. Most People Mean Well, They Just Do Not Always Know How to do Well

I believe most people mean well. They want good things for people and wish good things for people and have good intentions.

But, they just do not always know how to do well.

Often it is out of naivety or ignorance.

They say the wrong things and navigate situations in the worst possible way and come across as aloof or dismissive or rude.

People can only do as well as they know how to do.

The hope is that when people know better, they do better.

Often, though, people are truly ignorant of the fact that they do not know better. Therefore, they are not prompted to grow and learn.

When we are faced with situations we do not understand, we are presented with an opportunity for growth. Growth most often comes from challenge, from change, from chaos. We have to be brave and boldly approach the situation with courage and compassion and openness.

Openness is often the key. When you find yourself in a situation with someone and you truly do not understand where they are out of naivety or ignorance, the best way to navigate is by saying you do not understand and that you want to and that you care and then listen. Do not try to give advice or fix their problem, simply listen.

It is through the act of listening that you begin to learn and understand. When you begin to understand then you begin to know and to relate. Then, and only then can you do better.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #21 Being Thankful

#21. Being Thankful

It is so important to me to always be thankful. To always choose a positive mind set.

I really started thinking about this in 2010 and decided to be intentional about thanksgiving, counting my blessing, finding the good. I also began learning about the art of mindfulness and about neuroplasticity.

The art of mindfulness is the mental state of being aware of the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. I most often practice mindfulness when I am outside and able to appreciate nature or able to watch the pups play. It has been a very beautiful habit for me.

Neuoplasticity, to simply put it, is the ability to change the brain. It is the ability of the brain to change its physical structure and function based on input from experiences, behaviors, emotions, and even thoughts. During these changes, the brain engages in synaptic pruning, deleting the neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful, and strengthening the necessary ones. Therefore, the act of thinking good thoughts can actually rewire or change the way my brain functions.

So, I did this by listing three good things every day and then defining what my role in those three things were. Sad to say, it was hard to find three things initially. But with time and as it became a practice, it wasn’t unusual for me to find five or seven things for the day.

I began to think more positive and, therefore, be more positive. Negative emotive thoughts and neuro pathways began being pruned away.

I let the daily practice of identifying three good things fall away. I do not write them down any more in the way that I once did. But my thoughts tend to direct toward being thankful, especially in moments of frustration or disappointment.

As we have discussed, life is hard, you will see hard things, you will live through hard things. But being on your own side, encouraging your own self, having positive thoughts, learning to be thankful in all circumstances, focusing on the good will be a blessing.

Only you are responsible for you, only you are responsible for your thoughts, only you are responsible for your mindset. Be present, be mindful, and be thankful.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #20 Sometimes When You Don’t Have a Stigma About Something, But Everyone Else Has a Stigma About It, Then You Begin to Have a Stigma Because They Do, Not Because You Do.

#20. Sometimes When You Don’t Have a Stigma About Something, But Everyone Else Has a Stigma About It, Then You Begin to Have a Stigma Because They Do, Not Because You Do. 

What will they think? What if they knew? How would they respond? How would they react? What would they say?

Sometimes, when you don't have a stigma about something, but everyone else has a stigma about it, then you begin to have a stigma because they do, not because you do. 

We tend to worry about a lot of things. 

We worry about our perception of various situations. We also worry about the perception of others. 

We worry to the point that we begin to change how we act or what we do or how we respond. 

We worry so much about being judged and labeled and placed in a box, that we do everything to stay out of and away from the box. 

We begin to have a stigma, not because we have a stigma, but actually because we do not. 

Sometimes we are so afraid to be seen for who we are, so we hide behind who we are not. 

We fear authenticity and truth and vulnerability and honesty. We fear sharing our lives and our pain and our hurt. 

We fear so much, that we live so little. 

We live life in hiding. 

My dear young self, one day you will not care anymore about the stigmas.

You will need to fight. Fighting will look like surrender. Surrender will look like asking for help. Help will look like the beautiful support system you have surrounded your self with.

Mental health is just health. While there is a stigma around it, you can not have a stigma about  it. Having a stigma about it, is having pride. And pride will not be something you can afford to have.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #19 Wanting to Give Up

#19. Wanting to Give Up

I remember the patient who shot themselves through the mouth. Their frontal lobe would never recover. The ICU joked that you should always shoot back and not up. We laughed. It was not funny. They did not die.

I remember the patient who laid in bed for weeks at a time. They had slash marks up and down both arms from trying to kill themselves. Ultimately, they over dosed on calcium channel blockers. In the end, they did not die.

I remember the patient who intentionally overdosed on insulin. The family found them before they died. They laid in the hospital for a long while. Their brain was ruined. They did not die.

I remember the patient who hung themselves in such a way for all to see. The police found them before they died. They laid in the ICU for quite some time. They did die.

I remember the many many patients who attempt to overdose on Tylenol. They go into horrific liver failure. Some of them die. Some of them do not die.

Most recently I had a patient who overdosed on antidepressants. The patient is on the ventilator. The family is so distraught. They will not die.

There are too many others to recant.

Life is hard. You will see hard things. You will live through hard things.

You will learn what works and what does not work.

You will wonder if we ever actually help any of them.

You will think about their families.

You will wonder how things got so bad.

You will wonder why they’re wanting to give up.

You will think about wanting to give up.

You will wonder how things got so bad.

You will think about your family.

You will wonder if anything actually helps.

My dear young self, these dark days will come. We will fight them. Fighting will look like surrender. Surrender will look like asking for help. Help will look like the beautiful support system you have surrounded your self with.

Help will also look like appointments and counselors and social workers and therapists and medicine and time and classes and groups and healing.

And in the end, we will be thankful.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #18 Needle Stick

#18. Needle Stick

It was a code much like any other. Well run, only mildly chaotic. Compressions, drugs, team work, communication.

It ended as they often do, except for one fact. I got stuck.

It happens in health care. Not often, but more often than we would like to admit: needle stick, eye splash, skin exposure. The main concern is HIV, Hepatitis C, and Hepatitis B.

So, we had to report it to the hospital. I had to go to the ER. We had to draw my blood. We had to draw the patient’s blood.

I was negative for all three, no surprise.

The patient was negative for two. The patient was positive for one. The patient was positive for HIV.

Unfortunately, this was not the first time I have had an exposure. Fortunately, this was the first time I had actually been exposed to an infectious pathogen.

They wrote me a prescription in the ER for daily meds, a time to follow up with blood draws, and sent me on my way.

I filled my two prescriptions and paid $50 for each one, I was out $100 bucks.

Initially, I was irritated at the cost of the drugs. What an imposition this whole fiasco had been. What a nuisance. What a burden.

And this, my younger self, is what I want you to understand. It is important that you do not become flippant. There was a time when people would have paid millions of dollars, mortgaged their homes, sold their organs, and literally done any extreme thing to not contract this illness. You live in a time where HIV has become a chronic illness and not a death sentence.

There are many many things about health care that are broken and many things about insurance that make no sense.

But there are a lot of good things that work.

At a time in the world when you only have to pay $100 for radical medications that were not even available too many years ago, I implore you to be thankful and not irritated or burdened.

We have chosen to live a life of service and to work in a service profession. It is a beautiful work that we are honored to do. There will be “fiasco's”. But there will always be good. Find the good. 

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #17 Love is Love is Love is Love is Love

#17. Love is Love is Love is Love is Love

I do not believe in walls.

I do not believe in keeping people out.

I believe in loving your neighbor.

I believe in inviting people to the table.

I believe in love.

Love is Love is Love is Love is Love.

All people were made to be loved.

All people were created in the image of God.

All people are invited to my table.

All people are my neighbor.

All people are beautiful.

All are welcome.

As you age, there will be a lot of discussions about walls. Know this: we do not believe in walls. We believe in love. 

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #16 People are Beautiful

#16. People are Beautiful

When we were younger, we were rarely exposed to people who were different than us. Growing up in a conservative tradition, which we still very much appreciate, we were primarily surrounded by like minded people.  

Southern, white Americans, who prescribed to the Christian faith and attended churches of Christ, and who were primarily middle class Republicans.

So, with the lack of exposure, there was a lack of comfort and understanding.

When I was in graduate school in the early 2000s, people from school would often invite me to hang out, to go to dinner, to attend parties.

I never went.

I didn’t necessarily understand what it meant to spend time with people who were different. I suppose a part of me was afraid. I did not drink. I did not cuss. I did not know what one did at bars. I knew that I was terribly conservative and that they were not. I knew that I held to traditional ideal and I knew that they did not. So, I stayed at home.

In addition to fear, my legalism and ignorance also gifted me a degree of arrogance, an elite ideology of goodness, and humble superiority. I was not like those people.

I missed a lot of opportunities to meet and fellowship and live life with some really good people because of that fear and ignorance.

Thankfully, I grew.

Working has ascribed me to a life of people very different from my self and my tradition. I have met and worked a long side with people from literally all over the world. I have met and worked a long side people from all walks of life. I have met people more conservative than me, much more liberal than me, Democrats, atheists, agnostics.

What I have learned is that people are beautiful, that I am truly no better than anyone else, that God loves all.

I have friends from all over the world: India, Kenya, Afghanistan, Philippines, Nigeria, China, Cameroon, Korea, Ukraine, Tanzania, Ethiopia, South Africa, Russia, Romania, Israel, Vietnam, Thailand, and so many many more places.

I have dear friends who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and heterosexual.

I have dear friends who are Muslim, Orthodox, Catholic, Buddhist, atheist, agnostic, Jewish, spiritual, and Christian.

I have met drug addicts, t-totalers, those who only smoke a little weed, alcoholics, and people who simply socially drink.

I am so thankful that life grew from the safe space I grew up in, to the safe space that is now my world.

I am better for these people. All of these people. They have encouraged me to be a better human, a better clinician, a better person, a better Christian.

They have ALL shown me Jesus.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #15 Confession

#15. Confession

Community is so powerful and so beautiful.

Community is so important. Having a support system is so important. We need people to love us and encourage us and to build us up.

Once we have true community, one of our biggest fears can be of losing that community, of being unwanted.

Often times, this fear is so powerful that it leads us to secrecy and to shame. We are so afraid of truth, of other people’s perceptions, of being unwanted that we hide within ourselves.

But that hiding results in loneliness, isolation, pain, shame, and fear. The longer we hide, the longer these negative attributes grow and the more isolated we feel.

We fear so much, that we begin to live so little. 

True community is having true fellowship. True community is being free to be authentic and vulnerable and loved.

We read in the book of James, that we should confess our sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.

Being healed is the removal of shame, the removal of loneliness, the removal of secrecy, the removal of self-loathing.

The act of confession is an act of self-disclosure for the purpose of being known, of being seen, of being connected and committed to community. We confess our faith. We confess our feelings. We confess our fears. We confess our hurts. We confess our pains. We confess our hopes. We confess our loves. And yes, we confess our sins.

Confession is about life, about healing, about truth. Confession is about being known. Confession is about being authentically loved.

Many years ago, I slowly began to understand the value of confession. Little by little I began to trust and grow that most vital support system. So much of that support system grew out of confession, vulnerability, and love.  

I wish we had not waited to be so bold, but I am so grateful that we did.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #14 Pain Hurts

#14. Pain Hurts

What is pain?

I love asking this question to novice nurses or students. I often get an interesting answer, sometimes a very scientific answer. But the answer is really quite simple, the answer is not scientific at all.

Pain is whatever the patient says it is.

Pain is subjective.

Only the person experiencing the pain can measure it, only the person with the pain can tell you what it is like. I can not describe what another person is feeling. I can guess and ask pointed questions, but only they can describe the feeling, the amount, the severity.

I know this to be true of the body. Life has taught me that it is also true of the heart, the soul.

Pain hurts. Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes experience hurts. Sometimes, people do not even realize how much they hurt. But we can not know how hurt someone is unless we ask.

We can not see physical pain. We can not see emotional pain, either.

We can not see that which causes physical pain. We can not see that which causes emotional pain, either.

No matter the type of pain, the cause of pain, or the severity of pain, it is always whatever the person says it is. Weather we think something should hurt or not, it hurts if the person says it does.

Some clinicians do not believe when a patient is in pain. They dismiss their complaints and do not provide treatment. They leave them to suffer, to writhe, to hurt.

I wonder how often we are dismissive of people who say they are in pain or hurt because we do not possibly understand how someone could hurt from the thing they hurt from. So, we leave them to suffer, to writhe, to hurt.

As you grow older and meet people of all walks, remember that their life experience is whatever they say it is. If you are to truly have compassion for those you meet, it must be for all things; even in things you do not see and do not understand.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #13 My Ethics are Not Their Ethics

#13. My Ethics are Not Their Ethics

Over the years, I have had to have some seriously hard discussions with a lot of families. Discussions primarily focused on life and death. Mostly death. Discussions about how it will happen and when it will happen and what it will look like. It is in those discussions that I have had to really listen and meet those people where they are. It is also in those discussions that I have learned most about the perceptions people have, weather those perceptions were actually reality or not.

Often, during those discussions, people will ask me what I would do if it was my family member. And I will tell them. But, just as often, they do not ask. They do not ask and then the family chooses to do the opposite of what I feel they should do.

For a long time, I struggled with why they would make the choice that they did.

I struggled with what I perceived their choice to be.

Then, I realized one day, my ethics are not their ethics.

Just because I see the situation one way and the right choice as one thing, does not mean that they are wrong because they see the situation different and choose do something completely different.

Ethics are moral principles that govern a person's behavior or the way they conduct an activity.

Just because they possess moral principles that are different than mine, does not make mine any more or less valid. It also does not make mine any more or less moral.

My ethics determine my conscience.

Their ethics determine their conscience.

There are some things in life that are grey enough, that there is not necessarily a right or wrong, if it does not negate our conscience.

Because our ethics and morals guide our conscience, it is hard to appreciate that someone could have a different view point than our own or that their view point is not wrong simply because it is different. After all, their view is in opposition with our conscience.

In the past, when people would make decisions that I disagreed with, I would tend to argue with them and try to persuade them to see my perspective. I would try and get them to see my view point so that they would change their decision to align with my ethics.

But with time, and life experience, I realized that they believed what they believed to be right as much as I did. While I thought their decision was unethical, they often thought my suggestion was unethical as well.

Learning that my ethics are not their ethics has allowed me a great deal of peace and acceptance, has taught me a lot about my own conscience, and has taught me to be much more compassionate.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #12 Meet People Where They Are

#12. Meet People Where They Are

You have to meet people where they are. You just can not make any progress until you do.

Sometimes it is hard to understand where someone is. Sometimes we are in such a different place that we tend to stop listening. We get so focused on trying to get the person to where we are that we can’t hear when they tell us where they are.

When you don’t meet people where they are, you do not listen to them, and they can not hear you. Walls come up, defenses set in, the conversation becomes a stalemate, or worse, a battle. No progress is made. Both parties walk away frustrated and the original goal of coming to a common understanding is not met.

People truly do not care how much you know until they know how much you care. You have to listen. You have to hear where they are. You have to be present for the person you are talking to. In truth, when you listen, you have all the power, all the control. When you hear what the other person is saying, you hear where they are, you hear what they need, what they want; then, and only then, can you help them.

Communication is so extremely important. It is what relationship and life and love is built on.

When we argue, when we fight, when we don’t listen, when we dismiss, we lose, they lose, no one wins.

In truth, it only takes a moment.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #11 Torturing People is Torturous Work

#11. Torturing People is Torturous Work

I think I felt something break or crunch.

If you did not, then you are not doing it right.

Some people need to be full code and have everything done. Sometimes it is because they are young and healthy. Sometimes it is because they are old and healthy. Sometimes they are not healthy but a freak thing happened and we can still turn them around.

But often times they are not healthy and the thing that has caught them is going to cause them to die and we are fighting the inevitable. Most often the family is not ready to let go and so we fight and fight and fight.

So, what does the fight look like.

It looks like a tube in every orifice. A breathing tube down the trachea. A nasogastric tube down the nose to the stomach. A foley catheter in the urethra to the bladder. A rectal tube in the anus to the rectal vault. A central line in the jugular vein or femoral vein. An arterial line in the radial artery. A pleural chest tube in the pleural cavity outside of the lung. An esophageal probe down the esophagus.

It looks like toxic drugs to keep them alive. Norephinephrine to shunt the blood away from their hands and feet and toward their heart and brain. Adrenaline to shunt the left over blood away from their hands and feet toward their heart and brain. Heparin to keep their blood from clotting. Dextrose to give them some energy. Insulin to keep their sugar levels down. Bicarbonate to fight their acidosis. Fentanyl for comfort. Versed for sleep. IV fluids for hydration.

We monitor to them so closely. They do not know if it is day or night. They do not know what day of the week it is. Every 15 minutes we take their blood pressure. Every hour we check their blood sugar, their urine output, their vitals.

We place them on machines. Mechanical Ventilator for breathing. Continuous Renal Replacement Therapy for dialysis. Sequential Compression Device to prevent blood clots. IV Pump to administer medications. Feeding Pump to provide tube feeding. Bare Hugger to warm them. Arctic Sun to cool them. Flow Trac to monitor the heart function.

There is so much more.

So very much more.

So, why do we do this job? Because of the ones that do not get caught, the ones who we can turn around and heal.

And.

And we do it to walk with those families who are in profound denial or misunderstanding. The families who want to push on at all cost. We walk with them to explain the fight. Both the battles we win and the battles we lose.

It is hard when you know that no matter what we do the patient is still going to die. It is hard to apply all the tubes, all the drugs, all the machines, and in the end, the hands to the chest that feel the break and then the crunch beneath them.

It is torturous work to torture the dying. Especially when they are old and have lived a good life and it is time for them to pass on. Ideally, to pass on peacefully.

There are things you will do that will break your heart.

Torturing people is torturous work.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #10 Mental Health is Just Health

#10. Mental Health is Just Health

In the ICU we tend to focus on multi-organ system failure. We think about respiratory failure when one is on the ventilator, renal failure when one has to have interventions for fluid removal, cardiac failure when one is hypotensive, endocrine failure when one is hyper or hypoglycemic, skin failure when one has pressure ulcers.

Many years ago, when we were a very young and incredibly naive Nurse Practitioner, we would often round with a psychiatrist in the ICU. She was mature and wise and we always tended to learn something from her. One day as we were talking about multi-organ system failure, she stated that the patient had five systems failing. Confused, as we could only identify four, we asked what the fifth one was. She smiled. Neuro, she said, the patient was not on any sedation and had been unresponsive for some time.

It struck me that day how much I had never really appreciated the neurologic system in the same way as the others. I did when someone had a stroke or an aneurysm or a tumor or dementia. But not when they had "mental" changes: confusion, lethargy, stupor, unconsciousness, depression.

Mental health is just a part of health. It is like the skin and the kidneys and the heart.

We think with our head, though, so we think we can control it. We tend to think we are responsible for our emotions, for our affect. We think we can control our sorrow, our happiness. We get angry and frustrated when we can not.

I never remember a time when I was frustrated by my inability to control my blood sugar levels.

I never remember a time when I was frustrated that I could not control the response of my taste buds.

I never remember a time when I was frustrated that I could not make my kidneys stop making urine.

I can not control my mental health any more than I can control any other system. Our neurologic system is a system just like all the others.

As life trials come and you feel overwhelmed and feel flooded with emotion and you have a hard time making sense of it all, remember that mental health is just a part of health.

Work to take care of you, all of you.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #9 Perception is Not Always Reality

#9. Perception is Not Always Reality

We look with our eyes, but we interpret with our minds.

Sometimes we see what is, sometimes we see what we think is.

It is often hard to know what the truth is, hard to know the reality of our perceptions. Especially, when we walk into a situation with preconceived ideas and expectations.

Sometimes we want something to be something so badly, that we believe it is, weather or not it really is.

We aren't alone in this, though.

Everyone looks with their eyes and interprets with their minds.

So, sometimes my perception is not reality, but the person I am talking to, who is in the same situation, also has a different perception than what is real; so then you have two people with two different perceptions and no one is able to see the reality of the one situation. This can happen at work, in relationships, in meetings, in conversations. Two people can walk away from one conversation having heard two totally different things.

It is important that we take time to remember that what we perceive may not be what is.

It is important that we remember than what our neighbor perceives may not be what is.

Mostly, it is important that we look with open eyes, listen with open hearts, interpret with open minds.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #8 Understanding How I Think and Feel

#8. Understanding How I Think and Feel

We enjoy learning about our self.

I would think most people enjoy understanding themselves better.

Years ago I learned about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I learned that I was an ISTJ, known as the inspector or the logistician. This means I like to work by myself, I like facts, I am very logical, I like order and systems, I am reliable, I am dutiful, I uphold tradition, I am energized by time spent alone, I am calm, steady, stable, cautious, and conventional.

I found the MBTI fascinating because I felt like it was so accurate, but in truth I did not find it to be very insightful.

I was proud of the characteristics it cited and felt confident that it created a good portrayal of who I was.

I used it a great deal to compare and contrast myself with other people. How did we compliment, how did we differ, how can we improve our communication, etc. It is a useful tool.

Then, years later, I would hear people talk about the Enneagram. I would review the Enneagram and then wonder why anyone would need that when you had the MBTI. On first look I found it confusing and I was not interested.

But, in doing some research, I realized that the MBTI tell you how you think, but the Enneagram tells you how you feel.

As stated previously, we are much more of a thinker than we are a feeler. Staying in the head is so much more controlled and trusted than looking at the heart. Understanding my ISTJ nature, this makes sense.

So the idea of learning how I feel was daunting, yet exciting as well.

Now, every time I have taken the MBTI it has come out the same, but the Enneagram was a different story. I took the Enneagram five different times and came out with five different answers. It took a lot of reading and researching to finally understand what I was.

In the end, I found was that I am an Enneagram type 9 with a 1 wing. I am a peacemaker. I learned that I don’t like conflict and will do most anything to keep the peace, that I can become complacent and procrastinate. Ultimately the goal of a type 9 is for internal and external peace.

I had found the MBTI to be fascinating, but, in a short time, I have found my Enneagram typing to be so insightful that it has been life changing and life explaining. I understand more now about the box I have been in all my life than I ever have before. Life makes more sense than it ever has.

Understanding how I think and how I feel is so profoundly important. It helps me to navigate life a little more surely, understand my interaction with others better, and has the power to draw me closer to God.

Turning 40: Notes to My Younger Self. #7 Being Compassionate Does Not Mean You Have Self-Compassion

#7. Being Compassionate Does Not Mean You Have Self-Compassion

Henri Nouwen, one of your future favorite authors, said this about compassion:

“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.”

Compassion, I have come to learn, is a most beautiful response we can have to pain and suffering. Compassion is the act of bringing a balm to comfort the pain. That balm can take many forms: a listening ear, a comforting touch, words of peace, a prayer, food.

We feel called to be compassionate to those around us who are hurting. We seek ways to ease their pain, to lift their suffering, to help carry their burdens. In truth, we find that being compassionate gives us a great deal of joy. The act of compassion becomes an encouragement not only to the one we showed compassion, but also to ourselves for providing it.

Compassion is a beautiful gift we give to those around us. Most often, it is an easy gift to give and we find joy in the giving.

But being compassionate to others does not so easily translate to self-compassion.

Within you lies an inner critic that criticizes you for mistakes, for being stupid, for not doing better, for saying the wrong thing, for doing the wrong thing, for not paying attention, for trusting someone that hurt you, for being hurt again, for not saving enough money, for eating too much, for forgetting things, for procrastinating, for for for for for…

Being compassionate to others is a gift that God gave you. I am so thankful for this. But having self-compassion was not part of that gift. Learning to love yourself and be compassionate to yourself is a learned skill. It requires intentional metacognition. It requires time. It requires patience.

With effort and intention, you are becoming more self-compassionate and less self-critical. You are learning to give yourself the balm that you have so quickly and easily given to others. You will get there, but when you have listened to the inner critic for a long time, it takes time and effort to silence their voice.