Friday, May 21, 2010


It just happened. I didn't really realize it and then it was. I suppose the last few years this is how I have felt about all of life - that it's just happening to me. I think somewhere along the way life got so stressful and so busy that I removed myself from myself and stopped being an active participant and just simply allowed life to happen to me. I feel as though I'm watching a movie sometimes. I forget that I'm an active participant. Maybe I'm not an active participant but simply a passive player in the movie starring me about me.

I went on a code the other day. Like most of the codes I've been on the patient didn't make it. We coded the patient for half an hour. As I did compressions on his chest to force the blood through his body I felt his ribs cracking underneath my hands. With every compression there was a break, a crunch, an abnormal movement. As I hovered over him thrusting my hands up and down I looked over at his face. I knew he was gone. There was no spirit, no reaction, no spark in his eye - they were glazed over. When the resident finally stopped the code and called the time of death I stopped compressions, he died, whoever he was. I didn't know his name. I didn't know why he was here. I didn't even know what was wrong with him. There were tons of people milling around. I grabbed the cart and went back to my unit. And that was that. Life just happened to him.

I do not want my eyes to be glazed over while I am living. I don't want life to be happening to me. The days happen so fast. It seems like there is never time. I feel sometimes like I am chasing life down instead of leading or going with. I suppose I need to learn to relax, I need to learn to let go.

I remember sometimes what it was like to be. I see that I will be there again. It just takes time to resume one's self.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Moving On

I flew out to North Carolina a few weeks ago. It was my first trip to the state.

I flew into Raleigh and was there less than 48 hours. It was a tiring, intense, trip. I flew in at 12:09 am on Thursday and flew out at 5:30 pm on Friday. I went for a job interview. I had 4 interviews on Thursday, 6 interviews on Friday, and 1 phone interview on the following Tuesday.

If I were to sit down a year ago and create the perfect job despcription for the perfect job, then this is exactly what it would be. Everything I have wanted, worked hard for, and desired lies within this opportunity. The job is for a new critical care service in a 15 bed intensive care unit that is looking to heavily rely on acute care nurse practitioners. In this job I will be responsible for managing the care of critically ill patients in the ICU. I will write the orders, do procedures, collaborate with the medical staff, the neurosurgeon, the cardiologist, the pulmonologist, and the anesthesiologist.

The service is scheduled to go live on September 1. September 1 will be the start of a new beginning. But every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. What's ending is a 4 year long journey that involved working full-time and night school, two amazingly wonderful nightmarish years at Vanderbilt, and a year working as an ICU nurse. These past 4 years have served the sole purpose of preparing me for this time, for this moment. I suppose I'm overwhelmingly excited. I suppose I'm terrified beyond words. I desperately hope I'm prepared and ready and able. I know that I will have the utmost of support and training. I reflect on a previous post "Living in the Shadow" and realize that what I'm about to do is step out of the shadow and step into my dream, into my goal, and into the reality I have worked so hard to have.

So, I'm moving - again. It'll be the 5th place I've lived in 16 months. It'll be the 6th state I've lived in. It'll be the 2nd time I've moved to a place where I didn't know anyone. Essentially I'm starting all over. Again.

So, on July 5th I will begin working at Duke Raleigh Hospital as their newest ACNP. On July 5th I will step out of the shadow and be in the reality I have worked for years to have.

I flew out to North Carolina a few weeks ago. It was my first trip to the state, but it won't be my last.