Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Stat Counter

I often wonder why anyone would read the ramblings and wonderings of my blog that I post for the whole world to read. I frequently monitor the IP addresses who visit my blog from a website called Stat Counter. There are some IP addresses that I am able to identify and know them to be a certain person or persons, then there are tons and tons of other IP addresses and I have no idea who they are. Yet many of you unknown readers continue to frequent my blog on a daily basis and I appreciate your interest in me and my little blog. I have found over the past few years that blogging, while I enjoy it, can often be a burden and just one more thing in my life I have to maintain, but I don't for see quitting anytime in the near future. I write for myself really and for no other reason. But I often feel that my infrequent writing may be a disappointment to my "followers" that will eventually result in their lost of interest. So to those of you who read my blog, thank you for your devotion and I'll try and write more.

If you care to reveal yourselves I am interested in knowing who some of you are:
  • Springfield, Missouri - Extended Stay Hotels
  • Antioch, TN - comcast cable

and anyone else who wants to come forward. I respect your anonymity.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

25 Random Things About Me

I came across a post today that I had written on Facebook over a year ago. Reading over it made me smile and caused me to reflect over the past year. I wondered what changed, what has stayed the same, and how I feel about those things now.

1. I've been completely consumed by graduate school the past 1.5 years and it has made up my everyday life. I really miss feeling like a regular person and fear that I will never feel like a regular person again.

Well, in some ways graduate school feels like yestereday and in other ways it feels like a hundred years ago. I miss school, I've said that before, but I'm so glad that it's over. I don't know that I feel like a regular person yet, I'm not really sure what that is, or what that's supposed to feel like.

2. Sometimes I feel like life is happening to me and that I'm not participating in it. I feel like that all the time really.

I still feel this way, though not as much as I did this time last year. I suppose in some ways I will always feel that. I feel that I have more "control" over my life now. I don't know that I feel any more secure than I did before with that control though.

3. I love my sisters more than I understand. Their presence in my life has helped define me, helped shape my character, and allowed me to be who I am.

Today, I know this to be even more true than I did a year ago.

4. I miss my parents. They have been the greatest, most supportive people in my life. They have encouraged me to be and do and live. They have taught me the meaning of love, commitment, purpose, respect, and diligence. They have always unconditionally loved and accepted and encouraged me. I have been truly blessed by them.

I don't miss my parents anymore. They live around the corner. I'm blessed to spend my days with them.

5. I have had some amazingly wonderful friends in my life. I am truly blessed to have known so many wonderfully phenomenal people who have accepted me for

This is still true.

6. The last 2.5 years I have pulled away from a lot of people and pushed a lot of others away. I don't really know why.

We don't always know why we do what we do when we do it. Sometimes life takes a while to understand. Sometimes you never really understand. Sometimes you understand too much.

7. I don't really have a home. I've lived in 5 states, went to 3 different high schools, and just recently changed my address again.

Since this post I changed my address 2 more times. Who knows how many more times I will.

8. I really miss having a dog.

I suppose one day I'll have one again.

9. I wish I had time to finish my pilot's license. I'm embarrassed that I haven finished that and really wish I had more time to devote to it (and money).

I know that I will accomplish this goal one day. Now is still not the time, but when it is, I'll know. I'll finish.

10. I'm in a SIGNIFICANT amount of debt from school loans. I really try to ignore that.

I can't ignore it anymore. They are all consolidated; all 147K worth. I get to think about it every month for the next 25 years.

11. I've been enrolled at 5 different colleges. (Somebody needs to make up their mind!)

I think I'm good for awhile. I'm sure that bug will bite me again though. Maybe I'll make a dent in #10 before it happens though.

12. I'm not very good at managing people. I demand too much and appreciate too little.

This has not changed.

13. I demand too much from myself and even when I excel I'm still not satisfied, sometimes I get tired of being me.

Hmmmm. Don't have much to say about that.

14. I can't wait for August the 2nd, but I know when this time in my life is over I will really miss it. The challenge has been exhausting beyond words, but I've enjoyed it.

The most rewarding challenge of all my life.

15. When I am older I want to play a lot of golf.

16. I've been on 2 different bowling leagues. Bowling is fun.

Bowling is fun.

17. I like to travel. Traveling with friends has been one of the greatest adventures of my life.

I really miss traveling.

18. When I was 9 years old I woke up out in the middle of the country. I had sleptwalked out to the middle of nowhere and wondered around in the dark for hours trying to find my way back.

Now I just wake up in the shower about to get ready for the day (or night) or wake up walking around my house thinking someone's there (but not in a scary way).

19. I own a gun.

Boom. Boom. Pow!

20. I love having little friends and with I had more time to spend with them. (Haydn, Louise, Jonah, Ava, and #5)

And now there is June, Sophia, and #7. I really try to be a good aunt.

21. I look forward to buying a house.

I really like my house. I'm glad that worked out.

22. I wonder where I will live in six months.

Funny, I'm still wondering that.

23. I miss playing basketball. I miss running cross country. I miss being an athlete.

One day, I will be an athlete again. I know this to be true.

24. I love myself. I try very hard to do that.

Sometimes this is very hard and sometimes not so much.

25. I wish life didn't happen so fast.

Yet here it is, a year later.

Thoughts to ponder. Words to wonder.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I suppose you could say I've hit the wall. You know, that point where you are done. I never wanted to be a nurse. When I quit my job to go back to school it was to be a nurse practitioner, not a nurse. In fact, when I realized that I had to be a nurse before I could be a nurse practitioner I was a little surprised. Although it makes complete sense. Then when I realized I would need to actually work as a nurse before I worked as a nurse practitioner I was a whole lot surprised. Like I said, I never wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to be a nurse practitioner.
I'm a good Nurse. I have a good repertoire with patients and their families and I do my job. But I'm a better Nurse Practitioner than I am a nurse. I'm only better because I have more passion, more desire, and feel more purpose in that role.
Being a Nurse is one of the most humbling and beautiful experiences I have ever known; caring for people in the most intimate of ways. Touching, healing, giving.
Being a Nurse is one of the most noble professions. I do not regret or resist or dismiss my place here. But this role is temporary.
I am learning and growing and I will be a better nurse practitioner because of my time in this place. But I often feel that I am majoring in minors and sharpening tools that will soon be placed in a toolbox to remain unused. All the while I feel my nurse practitioner skills are dulling and little by little I am becoming less qualified with every day that passes.
I have worked 5 of the last 6 days, so maybe I'm tired. The last 3 days of work have been exceptionally unfruitful and I have used very little of my talents and skills. I have functioned as a glorified babysitter. I did not pay an exorbitant amount of money to wipe bums and be a babysitter, yet here I am.
I resolved to work as a nurse for 1 year. That means by this September I must take a new job in a new place and begin again, only then as an Acute Care Nurse Practitioner. But where to go and what job to choose? Many of my ACNP peers chose not to work as nurses and went straight into ACNP jobs. I question if I should not have just done that. Since August I have been offered a few ACNP jobs with good pay and benefits and I have turned them down. I question that too. But I didn't just want any job. I know the kind of job I want. A critical care ICU job. I know there are few places that job is offered: Nashville,  California, some places up North, some Texas cities. I know that I needed at least a year of critical care nursing experience to get that job. So here I am, getting my year of critical care nursing experience.
I've thought a lot about the various avenues I'm willing to take to get that job. The next 7 months are going to be full of questions, full of choices, and full of decisions.