It just happened. I didn't really realize it and then it was. I suppose the last few years this is how I have felt about all of life - that it's just happening to me. I think somewhere along the way life got so stressful and so busy that I removed myself from myself and stopped being an active participant and just simply allowed life to happen to me. I feel as though I'm watching a movie sometimes. I forget that I'm an active participant. Maybe I'm not an active participant but simply a passive player in the movie starring me about me.
I went on a code the other day. Like most of the codes I've been on the patient didn't make it. We coded the patient for half an hour. As I did compressions on his chest to force the blood through his body I felt his ribs cracking underneath my hands. With every compression there was a break, a crunch, an abnormal movement. As I hovered over him thrusting my hands up and down I looked over at his face. I knew he was gone. There was no spirit, no reaction, no spark in his eye - they were glazed over. When the resident finally stopped the code and called the time of death I stopped compressions, he died, whoever he was. I didn't know his name. I didn't know why he was here. I didn't even know what was wrong with him. There were tons of people milling around. I grabbed the cart and went back to my unit. And that was that. Life just happened to him.
I do not want my eyes to be glazed over while I am living. I don't want life to be happening to me. The days happen so fast. It seems like there is never time. I feel sometimes like I am chasing life down instead of leading or going with. I suppose I need to learn to relax, I need to learn to let go.
I remember sometimes what it was like to be. I see that I will be there again. It just takes time to resume one's self.