It’s been good to be back in Nashville, to be home. I have found that it is exactly the same and I have found that everything has changed. It is true that the more things change, the less things change.
I’m working nights. I’m sleeping days. It had been 14 months from my last night shift in North Carolina to my first one here; there is a readjusting, a relearning to that life. So far it has been alright. I have discovered that melatonin is wonderful and I have greatly benefited from it.
I have found this critical care job to be less stressful than my last critical care job as I am not solely responsible for the care of critically ill patients. There are positives and negatives to that. I miss being completely in control, of doing all the procedures. I’m so glad to not be completely responsible. Life is such a give and take.
I’m away from Ruthie more and her boarding/daycare bill has gone up. I hate that. I love her. She’s a dog.
It’s funny though; weather I live in Oklahoma, North Carolina, Texas, or here in Tennessee, day to day life is mostly the same. I still live with me, with Ruthie, with our stuff. I go about my business the same way and act my habits out as usual. The geography is different.
There are goals I have for this place, though. I have been somewhat of a life-long nomad, but, for whatever reason, time allowed me to finally plant roots. They were planted here in Tennessee. So, when I left here I felt incredibly unsettled. That sense of unsettlement has followed me wherever I have gone. I didn’t leave on my terms; it just kind of happened. So, I want to go to a lot of places, eat in some of my favorite restaurants, walk around in old haunts, and drive down old roads with the windows down in the summer time and breathe in the Tennessee air.
But my main source of unsettlement rests in the people. I felt a great emptiness and a significant need to tell certain people thank you. Thank you for loving me, for encouraging me, for guiding me as I grew. Thank you for supporting me publicly and privately; thank you for kind words, sweet hugs, and for being my community. So I aim to take time and tell these people, to finally let that unsettled feeling within me fall in to a cathartic peace. How can I not tell people who live within my heart thank you? How can I not tell them I love them? I have tried to pen the paper, but there are some words that are meant to be spoken, acts that are meant to be lived.
Time has been an interesting friend. The last 7 years have been a whirlwind of highs and lows, of awakenings, of healing, of sweet peace, of learning and growing, of understanding, of truly growing up and coming into my own.
Life is a journey and I want to make the most of everyday. I don’t want to feel unsettled when I leave here again.