Self-Care

I sit outside on this fall day. The sun is shining on my face, warming me. A gentle cool breeze blowing. Pups wresting and rooting around. The smell of my remaining flowers fills the air. Mums beg to be pruned.

Today is the first day that I have felt somewhat “normal”.

The last few nights my mind has awaken me with thoughts, details running through. I do not usually wake from thinking. I sleep in order to stop thinking, but these last few days I have stopped sleeping so as to think.

I spoke with my counselor the other day and it was more helpful than I anticipated. She explained the various signs of trauma that I could be experiencing, for which most of them I am or have.

I have felt confused.

I realized, though, that while I have seen a lot of trauma, I have not experienced a lot of trauma and ultimately that is the difference.

There are so many details and truths and facts that are locked away as no one should know them or even see them in their mind.

I am sad.

The last few days have been focused on self-care. Self-care looks different for different people.

 I am a nine on the enneagram, otherwise known as a peacemaker. This means I live in constant tension between the desire to be unbothered by life and a desire to right all the wrongs that I encounter; which inevitably requires action and inconveniencing myself .

Whenever I look at the defined self-care prescription for enneagram nines I cannot help but laugh, but only because I know they are true. They include: sleep, naps, siestas, routines, doing a whole lot of nothing, a fortress of solitude, massages, time to process and to be, mindful breathing, fresh air, and cozy Saturday mornings.

So the last few days I have done just that slept and napped and focused on routine and doing a whole lot of nothing and staying alone in the quiet and taking time to process and to be and to mindfully breath and sit out in the fresh air and sleep in the last few days as if they were cozy Saturday mornings.