Monday, April 15, 2013

Hurt from Smiling

I went back to the beginning today. I went to NHC Place. Saw old friends. Walked old halls. Smelled my youth and energy of days long ago. Of days not so long ago.

When I left, my face hurt from smiling. I loved my time there. Loved myself there. Loved who I was. I was dissatisfied with the work I did though, so I went and sought more and different. I loved myself in the different times, too. Loved what I did; what I do.

I miss old people.

I worked 6 night shifts over a 7 day period recently. When it was over, and I woke from my slumber, I realized I really hadn’t spoken with, interacted with, been validated, or connected with another (on a personal level) in those 7 days.

That makes for exhausted, lonely time.

I thought about my life the last few years and thought about patterns and choices and found this to be a common theme. When you spend your energy spinning wheels you find that you don’t go anywhere and in the end you have created a deep hole; even when the spinning wheels serve a deep, noble, good purpose.

I talked with a good friend today and he defined me as being in the “mid-life crisis” phase of my life. This made me laugh.  What he said made sense.

My sister is about to give birth to her fifth child.
My niece is in 2nd grade. I miss her.
My nephew is planning his birthday party that’s 6 months from now.
My niece likes to babble.
My niece said when the baby comes she’ll potty train, but not until then.
My niece has a tender heart like her mother.
My sister is entering phase 2 of her school program and doing well.
My niece has pretty long hair and the smile of an angel.
My niece is walking and climbing and being ornery.
My niece likes to hold onto the things that she likes.
My niece is sassy.
My sister is getting ready to run a half with me.
My mother is truly a Grand mother.
My father works hard.
My grandmother was in the hospital.

Life goes on whether we work or sleep.

I visited an old friend today. She has dementia. She didn’t know me. I held her hands and we talked. I prayed with her. Hugged her and kissed her bye. She thought she might go see the tulips. I hope she did.

I miss Opal.

Life is learning to live in the tension.  And to be at peace in it. And to know your place in it.

Thankful for Ruth.

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