|I came across a post today that I had written on Facebook over a year ago. Reading over it made me smile and caused me to reflect over the past year. I wondered what changed, what has stayed the same, and how I feel about those things now.|
1. I've been completely consumed by graduate school the past 1.5 years and it has made up my everyday life. I really miss feeling like a regular person and fear that I will never feel like a regular person again.
Well, in some ways graduate school feels like yestereday and in other ways it feels like a hundred years ago. I miss school, I've said that before, but I'm so glad that it's over. I don't know that I feel like a regular person yet, I'm not really sure what that is, or what that's supposed to feel like.
2. Sometimes I feel like life is happening to me and that I'm not participating in it. I feel like that all the time really.
I still feel this way, though not as much as I did this time last year. I suppose in some ways I will always feel that. I feel that I have more "control" over my life now. I don't know that I feel any more secure than I did before with that control though.
3. I love my sisters more than I understand. Their presence in my life has helped define me, helped shape my character, and allowed me to be who I am.
Today, I know this to be even more true than I did a year ago.
4. I miss my parents. They have been the greatest, most supportive people in my life. They have encouraged me to be and do and live. They have taught me the meaning of love, commitment, purpose, respect, and diligence. They have always unconditionally loved and accepted and encouraged me. I have been truly blessed by them.
I don't miss my parents anymore. They live around the corner. I'm blessed to spend my days with them.
5. I have had some amazingly wonderful friends in my life. I am truly blessed to have known so many wonderfully phenomenal people who have accepted me for
This is still true.
6. The last 2.5 years I have pulled away from a lot of people and pushed a lot of others away. I don't really know why.
We don't always know why we do what we do when we do it. Sometimes life takes a while to understand. Sometimes you never really understand. Sometimes you understand too much.
7. I don't really have a home. I've lived in 5 states, went to 3 different high schools, and just recently changed my address again.
Since this post I changed my address 2 more times. Who knows how many more times I will.
8. I really miss having a dog.
I suppose one day I'll have one again.
9. I wish I had time to finish my pilot's license. I'm embarrassed that I haven finished that and really wish I had more time to devote to it (and money).
I know that I will accomplish this goal one day. Now is still not the time, but when it is, I'll know. I'll finish.
10. I'm in a SIGNIFICANT amount of debt from school loans. I really try to ignore that.
I can't ignore it anymore. They are all consolidated; all 147K worth. I get to think about it every month for the next 25 years.
11. I've been enrolled at 5 different colleges. (Somebody needs to make up their mind!)
I think I'm good for awhile. I'm sure that bug will bite me again though. Maybe I'll make a dent in #10 before it happens though.
12. I'm not very good at managing people. I demand too much and appreciate too little.
This has not changed.
13. I demand too much from myself and even when I excel I'm still not satisfied, sometimes I get tired of being me.
Hmmmm. Don't have much to say about that.
14. I can't wait for August the 2nd, but I know when this time in my life is over I will really miss it. The challenge has been exhausting beyond words, but I've enjoyed it.
The most rewarding challenge of all my life.
15. When I am older I want to play a lot of golf.
16. I've been on 2 different bowling leagues. Bowling is fun.
Bowling is fun.
17. I like to travel. Traveling with friends has been one of the greatest adventures of my life.
I really miss traveling.
18. When I was 9 years old I woke up out in the middle of the country. I had sleptwalked out to the middle of nowhere and wondered around in the dark for hours trying to find my way back.
Now I just wake up in the shower about to get ready for the day (or night) or wake up walking around my house thinking someone's there (but not in a scary way).
19. I own a gun.
Boom. Boom. Pow!
20. I love having little friends and with I had more time to spend with them. (Haydn, Louise, Jonah, Ava, and #5)
And now there is June, Sophia, and #7. I really try to be a good aunt.
21. I look forward to buying a house.
I really like my house. I'm glad that worked out.
22. I wonder where I will live in six months.
Funny, I'm still wondering that.
23. I miss playing basketball. I miss running cross country. I miss being an athlete.
One day, I will be an athlete again. I know this to be true.
24. I love myself. I try very hard to do that.
Sometimes this is very hard and sometimes not so much.
25. I wish life didn't happen so fast.
Yet here it is, a year later.
Thoughts to ponder. Words to wonder.