I suppose you could say I've hit the wall. You know, that point where you are done. I never wanted to be a nurse. When I quit my job to go back to school it was to be a nurse practitioner, not a nurse. In fact, when I realized that I had to be a nurse before I could be a nurse practitioner I was a little surprised. Although it makes complete sense. Then when I realized I would need to actually work as a nurse before I worked as a nurse practitioner I was a whole lot surprised. Like I said, I never wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to be a nurse practitioner.
I'm a good Nurse. I have a good repertoire with patients and their families and I do my job. But I'm a better Nurse Practitioner than I am a nurse. I'm only better because I have more passion, more desire, and feel more purpose in that role.
Being a Nurse is one of the most humbling and beautiful experiences I have ever known; caring for people in the most intimate of ways. Touching, healing, giving.
Being a Nurse is one of the most noble professions. I do not regret or resist or dismiss my place here. But this role is temporary.
I am learning and growing and I will be a better nurse practitioner because of my time in this place. But I often feel that I am majoring in minors and sharpening tools that will soon be placed in a toolbox to remain unused. All the while I feel my nurse practitioner skills are dulling and little by little I am becoming less qualified with every day that passes.
I have worked 5 of the last 6 days, so maybe I'm tired. The last 3 days of work have been exceptionally unfruitful and I have used very little of my talents and skills. I have functioned as a glorified babysitter. I did not pay an exorbitant amount of money to wipe bums and be a babysitter, yet here I am.
I resolved to work as a nurse for 1 year. That means by this September I must take a new job in a new place and begin again, only then as an Acute Care Nurse Practitioner. But where to go and what job to choose? Many of my ACNP peers chose not to work as nurses and went straight into ACNP jobs. I question if I should not have just done that. Since August I have been offered a few ACNP jobs with good pay and benefits and I have turned them down. I question that too. But I didn't just want any job. I know the kind of job I want. A critical care ICU job. I know there are few places that job is offered: Nashville, California, some places up North, some Texas cities. I know that I needed at least a year of critical care nursing experience to get that job. So here I am, getting my year of critical care nursing experience.
I've thought a lot about the various avenues I'm willing to take to get that job. The next 7 months are going to be full of questions, full of choices, and full of decisions.