Saturday, September 19, 2009

Here I Am

So here I am. Tomorrow will make 7 weeks since I graduated. So much has happened in those 7 weeks, yet very little has occurred.

I moved to Oklahoma, a place I always thought was home, but I realize now it's not. Moving (this time) taught me that my home is in Franklin, TN. From this point on when people ask me where I am from I will proudly and honestly tell them that I am from Franklin, TN.

I got a new job. I haven't started yet, but on Sept. 28, I will begin working as an ICU nurse at OU medical center in Oklahoma City. I have to work nights, I don't know how I'm going to do this, but it will be okay. I feel like this job was destined for me. I wanted to stay in Nashville, for months I applied and applied and applied - nothing. No one was hiring. Even if they were hiring it was for floor positions and I would have to work for at least 6 mo before they would let me move to the ICU. I didn't even apply for this job. I had applied for some other job at OU months ago and never even heard from them. Then while at another job interview (at a stupid hospital in Texas I didn't want to work at anyway) OU called me for an interview. They had 32 applicants for 4 positions, so why were they even looking at my resume when I didn't apply for the job? Before the interview was even over they offered me the job. I told them I would think about it - think about what, take the job!! I wasn't at that moment ready to move, I wasn't ready to leave Nashville, to leave Vanderbilt, to leave Concord Rd. But driving 12 hours the next day by myself I thought a lot about a lot and so I called them and made a verbal commitment to accept the job. What else was I going to do? I can always move back to Nashville. It's a great job though and I am excited about it.

I'm buying a condo. Why? 1. Because Oklahoma is cheap. It is cheaper to buy a condo (and make an investment) than to rent an apartment. I'm getting this condo for 1/2 the price I would in Nashville - crazy!! 2. Because I have a huge need to feel settled. I need to place some roots (even if they are temporary). When I move into my condo, it will be the 3rd time I have moved in 10 months. That is too much. I need some consistency, continuity, assurance, reliability, dependability, stability. It all happened really fast. I moved to OK on a Tuesday and called a realtor, looked at the place I wanted on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, and it was accepted on Friday. I will post pictures, but not today.

I'm trying to find a church. It's so extremely hard to find a church as a single person. I don't fit anywhere. People don't always know what to do with me. I just hope I can find what I need and where I can be used the most. I miss Concord Rd. I suppose that is really where my home is.

Like I said so much has happened so fast. I really don't believe all of it sometimes. There are times when I wake up and I'm not sure where I am or how I got here or what I'm doing. I've spent a lot of time doing nothing, not that I don't have things I need to do: write thank you notes, get a new car tag, get an OK RN license, study for my upcoming ACNP test, etc. I just don't have very much motivation to do anything lately. So, I've watched a lot of tv, played a lot on facebook, and slept a lot. I think when I start working I will feel real again, I hope so anyway.

I suppose I still feel really lost. I don't know what to do with myself a lot of the time. I'm questioning who I am and what I want. I miss being in school - I knew that I would. There is so much security in having tasks, expectations, and appointments. I appreciate structure so much. I miss my peers. We weren't super tight, but when you see people every day for two years and then you just don't, well it's just kind of funny.

Then there is Haydn. I don't love Haydn more than any of my other nieces and nephew (I wish there was a unisex plural word for this like cousins or siblings). I love them all equally, just differently. But Haydn is my little friend, we're "best buddies"as she says. I hurt her in leaving and I hate that. I just miss her. It has been good to be around Jonah though, to build my relationship with him.

Life is just hard. I feel these last two years have been so up and down. So many extreme changes. I often look back to September of 2006 as such an extreme high point in life, when I was on top of the world, and wish life would be like that again. But it won't and if I were to go back I would lose all that I have gained since then.

One week from today I will be 30. I wonder how that happened. I still feel like such a little kid. But I appreciate my 30 years. I appreciate all that I have gained and lost. I appreciate all the amazing opportunities I have had. I appreciate all the family and friends I have known and loved.

Here I am.


Shirley said...

I love you.

holly wynne said...

And there you will be. Remember the title of your blog--it's a journey. Cliche, maybe, but true. I miss you already--and I'm jealous that Amy's coming to see you and I'm not--but your roots are deep in love from both family and friends, wherever they are. Wherever you are.

Emily Jo Reed said...

Change is hard. I know what it's like to be in those times when everything seems confusing & wrong, but they don't last forever. And when things do turn around & seem a little more normal, you will hardly be able to remember how you feel now. It does get better...just stay in the day. Everything you are doing is helping to make up all the pieces of who you will become & what you will do :-)

Craig said...

I love you and I'm proud of you and I'm glad you're here. You know you are welcome at my house at any time. It may feel a little weird to some, but there are some "home-like" memories here. You've got a cousin that would love to get to know you better too.

Pat said...

I'm glad you're here. I always say that I'm from Shawnee, but I've lived in Midwest City longer than I lived in Shawnee. I think as young adults we develop our sense of home when we are about your age. I know that you have lived many places and Oklahoma is not home to you yet. I would never try to lure you away from your parents but we'd love to have you visit Del City. We have a singles group that Beth is pretty active in. Plus, I'd love to show off my beautiful niece.
Love you,